Psychological barrier

Saturday 13 Aug 2011. Today's race was one of those where I can barely recall the details.  My mind wasn't at it. The day seemed to have passed by in a blur. I had lost it and it was pretty much game over before I had even begun. 

Having planned this race as one of the bigger races on my road racing calendar, I woke up this morning all ready for the race. I was really looking forward to working with 2 of my other team-mates - looking forward to having a great race - feeling confident for a position.

I rocked up to the rego desk still having a laugh with one of my mates when the news broke - "You're racing in the next grade up." "What??" No, I totally wasn't prepared. "There's a small field of 8 - a lot of the elite women are racing somewhere else." No. "We've bummed one of your other team-mates up too." No. I continued to try to argue my way out of it. I took a quick glance at the start list and first thought was that they were trying to make numbers.  "It'll happen at some point." Well, I haven't won a race in the grade below yet. At some point..yes, just not today. It's way too early.  "It's not my decision - go ask so and so."  I knew it was pretty much a lost cause, a lost argument from there on. 


I paid up the race money, took my race number, and was still trying to come to terms with reality. I tried as best to prepare for the race, slowly dawning my kit, shoes and helmet on. I pretty much just stared at my bike - heart no longer at it. My body was cold, there was no adrenaline. Nothing. Too much anger at the organisers, too much emotion,  a lot of doubt, a lot of dissapointment -  I had lost focus, I had completely lost the game. Though having previously done 2 other bigger races, the hard hit of today's news had completely shattered me.


I rolled up to the start line mind in a jumble of thoughts. Started the race. Can't recall much. A few k's in, I realised I had even forgotten to start my bike computer. There was a breakaway. At one stage, we got caught behind the men that had passed us. I wasn't even paying attention to the wind direction, to what I was doing. An attack in the last km. I tried to jump on, but as the lactic acid started building, I mentally wasn't strong enough to hold it. Couldn't fight it. Not like I normally could. And then, it was race over.  Didn't get out for a full blown sprint.  Rolled pass the finish line in 6th. Dissapointed not from losing the race, but dissapointed from losing the mental game.


And so today was just one of those stumbling blocks. Being a good athlete is not just about physical strength - it's having the mental strength to push through when things get tough. It's having the desire for the win - and a lot of times getting the win is about how much you want it, how much you believe in it. 

A mistake made, a lesson learnt. Time to get over it, time to hunger for the next win.  Another big race tomorrow - and this time I'll be ready. Ready to race. Ready to give it all. There's no time for emotions - it's all about split second decisions - all about commitment.